October 15, 2017

wave of light

For Liam and all the babies who should be at home with their families.

August 6, 2017


Who would he have been at One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six?

What color would his eyes be, his hair, the sound of his voice, his laugh, what would his favorite book be, song, movie, superhero, what would his relationship be like with his brother, what would their sibling love be like, how would our family's story be unfolding with him in it...?

I miss Liam exactly the same as I did on the day I pushed him into the world and waited for him to die. My arms still ache to hold him, to feel the weight of his body against mine, to smell him, to breathe him in. I still close my eyes at the end of a long day hoping to meet him in my dreams.

I can only imagine the longing for him will die with me.

The years go on and life pulls me forward, as it does.

Most everything in life has changed but one thing remains the same: an important person is missing in our family and he will always be missing.

My greatest love and mystery in the whole universe: Liam, i'm so sorry you aren't here with us.

July 16, 2017

his season

August 6, 2017 will mark six years since Liam was born. So much has changed in six years and so much remains exactly the same.

May 26, 2017

He picked a few stems and held the flowers against his cheek saying I love you Liam.

He asks more questions about his brother and I can see in his face that he is trying to
understand what happened, but of course there is no understanding it.

All I can teach him is that life is a gift and not everyone gets to grow old.

His brother is an integral part of our life, our story. He will never be forgotten.

March 23, 2017

ANGER is the deepest form of compassion, for another, for the world, for the self, 
for a life, for the body, for a family and for all our ideals, all vulnerable and all, 
possibly about to be hurt. Stripped of physical imprisonment and violent reaction,
anger is the purest form of care, the internal living flame of anger always illuminates
what we belong to, what we wish to protect and what we are willing to hazard 
ourselves for. What we usually call anger is only what is left of its essence when we
are overwhelmed by its accompanying vulnerability, when it reaches the lost surface
of our mind or our body’s incapacity to hold it, or when it touches the limits of our
understanding. What we name as anger is actually only the incoherent physical
incapacity to sustain this deep form of care in our outer daily life; the unwillingness
to be large enough and generous enough to hold what we love helplessly in our bodies
or our mind with the clarity and breadth of our whole being.

-David Whyte