August 15, 2016

August 6, 2016

five years old.


This year, we took a gondola ride up Mount Mansfield. Leif was completely in awe as we soared
into the clouds covering the mountain top. Look mommy, we going in the sky!

What can I say that I haven't already said before?

We've been doing this trip for four years now, and we'll keep going back for as long as we can.

This place makes us feel closer to him.

For our son who forever changed our lives. For five whole years without him.

For Liam.


/images taken by dad











August 1, 2016

time.


How have nearly five years gone by?  Where does the time go?

Because his time didn't go to life and all the changes that it brings.
Because I will never know who he was and all that he would have grown up to be.
Because I will always love him and miss him and wonder about him.
Because nothing has changed. He is always missing.

My firstborn son, you will never be forgotten.

July 19, 2016

the beach.


Whenever I pick him up at school with his wagon, he asks to go to "the beach". It's
a spot on the Rivière-des-Mille-Îles, about 10 minutes from our house and his school.

He likes to throw stones into the water and before we leave, he always chooses one to
take home.

After his Summer replacement teacher gave me a quick update on his day, she asked if
he was an only child. I said yes, with a lump in my throat. She told me she thought so
and explained all the ways it was obvious to her.

I've been getting this question more and more lately. The Is he your first? has now
turned into Do you want more? and Is he an only child? I've been answering these types
of questions for 3 1/2 years and it never gets easier. Today's came during the
hardest time of the year for me.

We threw stones into the river and then I stood back and waited because it was time
to head home.

I watched and imagined his big brother crouched down beside him studying the pebbles
on the beach.

It's so easy to imagine.

If he'd lived, Liam would be turning five.

I will forever wonder about him and what life would have been like with him in it.

I wish I could say it gets better or easier, but it doesn't.



July 11, 2016

5 years.


Happy, sad. Full, empty. Lucky, unlucky.
So many emotions.
Long day. Long night. Long month.

June 26, 2016

June 21, 2016


On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur.

-le petit prince