May 23, 2012

love.


These are some shots from an afternoon spent in Old Montreal. We walked on old cobblestone streets. We explored. Reflected. Photographed.

The last time we visited this part of the city I was 3 months pregnant and we were celebrating J's birthday. We went out for dinner and then we walked to the Old Port. We stopped to look at the boats and circus tents and talked about how awesome it was going to be to do all these things with our baby. Now we walk the same streets and talk about how awesome things would, could and should have been.

Losing Liam has changed everything in my life. I've talked about how everything is different, but there is one thing that has remained the same and that's my love for Liam. I loved him every minute of every one of the 163 days he lived inside me. I loved him the day he was born and died. And I continue to love him 9 1/2 months later.

I'm still pushing for the life that I want. I hope to conceive again and bring a baby home to nurture and love and raise. But no matter what the future holds, Liam will always be interwoven in my life. I know that every moment would, could and should be so different. I know that I will always wonder. And I know that as long as i'm still here, I will always love him.

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Resto and painting

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16 comments:

  1. Such beautiful pictures of a magical old town.

    Never lose that hope, Tash. And Liam... he will always be in your heart.
    x

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  2. Keep the faith!!
    Beautiful photos ;)
    xo
    Ashlyn

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  3. How very courageous of you to return to those same streets in the same neighborhood where you made beautiful memories with Liam. I often find myself avoiding restaurants and places we went together while I was pregnant. It took me months to wear the plain yellow shirt I had on the day we found out A had died. I am in awe of your bravery to face these triggers, to face the grief and to persevere toward the future you want (and so obviously deserve).

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  4. I'd love to get to Montreal one day. I'm also hoping to bring a new life into our home. I lost my first pregnancy at 8 weeks just a few months ago. It's a strange limbo I find myself in, hoping that it will work out in the future for us and being scared that it won't, trying to be positive. I know it's not anything like what you went through with Liam, but I do understand a little.

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  5. The photographs are stunning, and your words about Liam are beautiful and poignant. My heart breaks for you that he's not here to share Old Montréal with you again. Should have been. Yes.

    I also feel that, while everything else has changed, the love remains constant.

    I'm hoping so hard that you and J will have your dream come true of a child to take home....And I'm holding you and Liam in my heart, always. xo

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  6. There is so much beauty in everything you do. I think of you daily.

    xo

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  7. Hope it keeps us going, it keeps us breathing. I hope for you too. Thinking of your family and Liam.xo

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  8. The photos are so beautiful, as is your love and devotion for Liam. I hope that you conceive. I hope that you have a perfect pregnancy, labor and delivery, and a little brother or sister for Liam who will change and shape your world in every way for the rest of your life.

    Nathaniel has changed every facet of my life, too. Touches every thing, big and small.

    Sending love
    xoxoxo

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  9. You are a wonderful photographer.. and a beautiful mother. I am still in awe of your new ink too. Hugs and light...
    L

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  10. It must be hard to go back there with your memories. Your words and photos are so moving. I hope for you too xxx

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  11. gosh, how those re-visits must be for you both. touching on it here, the way you have only gives an inkling of the profoundness each step you take means. all those memories being so fresh. i've heard that people who've been through trauma can recapture certain moments which then can be lived again like they are just happening. i'm not sure if this is something that goes on for you Tash but you are so very brave in the way you're soldiering through keeping moving right now. i know J is a big part of that and your own spirit filled with Liam love also couldn't very well lay down and wilt away.

    Justin has captured you beautifully in these shots. keep pushing love...i feel like there's some real inspiring and encouraging times coming up for you both. you're always in my daily thoughts. xo ♥

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  12. These photos are so haunting...that is the feeling I get from them. Like the place was deserted. I love the one of you standing in the gate opening.

    I don't think your love for Liam will ever change. Keep hoping. It's what keeps us all going.

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  13. your blog is full to the brim of amazing images and your words are very moving. it is lovely to be here. xo

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  14. beautiful soul you are. i adore that last photo so much...

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  15. I'm sorry Hazel. I'm hoping for you with all my heart. xx

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  16. I hope for a new life in your future too. And I know that Liam will always be a part of yours, no matter what the future holds.

    Life will now and forever be a series of wonderings... "I wonder what this would be like had he lived..." and "I wonder what he would have thought about xxx..." "I wonder what we'd be doing now if he hadn't died."

    I feel it too.

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