I've been staring at my computer screen for awhile now, not knowing how to write this post. So i'll just tell you what's happened in my world this past month.
On July 11, I ruptured and was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery. My amniotic sac was ballooning out of my cervix so the doctor gently pushed it back in and inserted two cerclage sutures. Two days later my water broke in the middle of the night. I reopened but it was what they called a "slow leak" so enough amniotic fluids would remain for Liam to continue to grow. The doctors discovered that I have a deformed uterus, it's the shape of a heart they said, and what is called a bicornuate uterus. Because of the lack of space, Liam stayed on my right side but this caused too much pressure on my weak cervix and is why I ruptured when he became heavier at 5 months. Unfortunately, my incompetent cervix was detected later in my pregnancy, had the doctors known about it sooner they would have performed the surgery earlier on and put me on bed rest as soon as I became pregnant. Because my cervix would now remain open until I delivered, the doctors kept me on strict bed rest in the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy. Every day, three times per day, the nurses monitored Liam's heart and these were my favorite times of the day... getting to hear his strong heart beat was music to my ears and heart. I also had a few ultrasounds every week to monitor the level of fluids which was another favorite time because I got to see Liam do things like drink, stretch, kick, turn, wave and once he sucked on his thumb during the entire examination.
On August 4, the leaking became steady, every 15 minutes I felt a trickle down my leg, but the doctors said that there wasn't anything that they could do. I continued to drink 4 litres of water a day to replenish the fluids and hope that the leak would seal itself. The ultrasounds showed that enough fluids remained and that Liam was still safe. My doctor told me that the paperwork was being finalized to have us transferred to a high risk hospital downtown where they had an NICU and a high risk unit to properly care for Liam. We would be leaving in two days time.
The following day the leaking continued and that evening I developed a high fever. At 9pm I woke up to my first contraction. I was going into preterm labour. The doctor said that the sutures needed to be removed, that I had an infection and both Liam and I were no longer safe. At 23 weeks and 3 days (we found out months later that my ultrasounds showed him +3 days, so he was really 23 weeks and 6 days) they told J and I that they couldn't save our baby and that they wouldn't resuscitate him after he died. I delivered Liam the following afternoon at 1:36pm. Liam breathed on his own for an hour and 29 minutes. And then he was gone.
My heart is broken in a million pieces, there are no words. I miss my son with all my heart. With every fibre of my being. I miss feeling him move inside of me, his movements filled me up with so much hope. I miss his kicks, his gentle nudges, us taking turns poking at each other, playing, bonding. We were together in that hospital bed for 27 days, Liam growing and developing and me fighting to hold onto him and keep him safe inside my womb. I have no idea what happened?? We needed to hold on just a little while longer the doctors said, Liam would have a chance at surviving at 24 weeks and would have a good chance at 25 weeks.
Rest in peace my beautiful baby boy... Liam Lucarelli, August 6, 2011