August 17, 2011

Liam.

I've been staring at my computer screen for awhile now, not knowing how to write this post. So i'll just tell you what's happened in my world this past month.

On July 11, I ruptured and was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery. My amniotic sac was ballooning out of my cervix so the doctor gently pushed it back in and inserted two cerclage sutures. Two days later my water broke in the middle of the night. I reopened but it was what they called a "slow leak" so enough amniotic fluids would remain for Liam to continue to grow. The doctors discovered that I have a deformed uterus, it's the shape of a heart they said, and what is called a bicornuate uterus. Because of the lack of space, Liam stayed on my right side but this caused too much pressure on my weak cervix and is why I ruptured when he became heavier at 5 months. Unfortunately, my incompetent cervix was detected later in my pregnancy, had the doctors known about it sooner they would have performed the surgery earlier on and put me on bed rest as soon as I became pregnant. Because my cervix would now remain open until I delivered, the doctors kept me on strict bed rest in the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy. Every day, three times per day, the nurses monitored Liam's heart and these were my favorite times of the day... getting to hear his strong heart beat was music to my ears and heart. I also had a few ultrasounds every week to monitor the level of fluids which was another favorite time because I got to see Liam do things like drink, stretch, kick, turn, wave and once he sucked on his thumb during the entire examination.

On August 4, the leaking became steady, every 15 minutes I felt a trickle down my leg, but the doctors said that there wasn't anything that they could do. I continued to drink 4 litres of water a day to replenish the fluids and hope that the leak would seal itself. The ultrasounds showed that enough fluids remained and that Liam was still safe. My doctor told me that the paperwork was being finalized to have us transferred to a high risk hospital downtown where they had an NICU and a high risk unit to properly care for Liam. We would be leaving in two days time.

The following day the leaking continued and that evening I developed a high fever. At 9pm I woke up to my first contraction. I was going into preterm labour. The doctor said that the sutures needed to be removed, that I had an infection and both Liam and I were no longer safe. At 23 weeks and 3 days (we found out months later that my ultrasounds showed him +3 days, so he was really 23 weeks and 6 days) they told J and I that they couldn't save our baby and that they wouldn't resuscitate him after he died. I delivered Liam the following afternoon at 1:36pm. Liam breathed on his own for an hour and 29 minutes. And then he was gone.

My heart is broken in a million pieces, there are no words. I miss my son with all my heart. With every fibre of my being. I miss feeling him move inside of me, his movements filled me up with so much hope. I miss his kicks, his gentle nudges, us taking turns poking at each other, playing, bonding. We were together in that hospital bed for 27 days, Liam growing and developing and me fighting to hold onto him and keep him safe inside my womb. I have no idea what happened?? We needed to hold on just a little while longer the doctors said, Liam would have a chance at surviving at 24 weeks and would have a good chance at 25 weeks.

Rest in peace my beautiful baby boy... Liam Lucarelli, August 6, 2011

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31 comments:

  1. My heart hurts so much for you. I am incredibly sorry for your loss. You and your family will certainly be in my prayers...

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  2. :( I've got tears streaming down my face right now; I've been wondering where you've been lately and this is the worst news. I'm so sorry for your loss, Natasha, and your family's loss. You'll all be in my thoughts, take care. Love. xx

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  3. I´m so deeply sorry for your loss, I don´t have enough words to express it. My thoughts are with you all. :-(

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  4. i am so sorry , so sorry natasha and j. this is absolutely heartbreaking,
    your in my thoughts and in my heart .

    (please know that the farm door is open here on the hill to you both, if you just need to be somewhere different.)

    .

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  5. such heartbreaking news; i have tears in my eyes. i am so deeply sorry i am for your loss. may your little angel rest in peace. xxx

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  6. Natasha, this is heartbreaking, your post brought me to tears and I am so sorry about your deep loss. sending you many thoughts and prayers.

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  7. There are no words and my heart breaks for you and your family. I'm sure he was such a blessing for all those days he was in your life. My thoughts and prayer go out to you!!

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  8. this is truly heartbreaking to read. i wish i could contact you, because my sister found out she has a bicornuate uterus last year. she hasn't started trying to have babies, and she doesn't even have children yet but doctors are already warning her and telling her about all the risks and she is scared... i'm sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. it is a very unique defect and reading this really touched me. i hope you are okay and know that your baby is in a wonderful place. you did all you could and i'm sure things will only get better one day at a time. if you feel inclined to contact me, my email is kyliefly@gmail.com.

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  9. Oh Natasha, this is just heartwrenching. I can't even begin to imagine your grief. Thank you for sharing such a difficult personal experience. I hope that talking about it helps you in some small way. May your sweet baby Liam rest peacefully knowing he is loved so dearly and his Mama fought so hard for him.

    If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

    Look after yourself, Natasha. May the shattered pieces of your heart find their way home. My thoughts and prayers to your family... xxx

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  10. Oh Natasha, I am sitting here crying for your unimaginable pain and loss. I don't know what else to say. I'm so so sorry. Beautiful baby Liam. Kellie xx

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  11. This has brought tears to my eyes and a heavy sadness in my heart. Even though, we don't know each other personally, I feel for you and your husband. My thoughts are with you. May time heal your pain. Xo, K

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  12. Oh Natasha I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I imagine you must be going through so much right now, and I wish you courage, strength, acceptance and love. oxo

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  13. You know we love you and are thinking of you - thank you for sharing your story. I hope that doing so will help you process everything - I know that writing has helped me more than once in difficult times. I can't imagine how painful this is for you and j. , and I'm sending as much good energy your way as I can.

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  14. Oh my sweet friend...you are very brave for sharing this news with us. I just want to send you so much love right now in this time of sadness and pain that you are going through. Words can't take away your pain but just know we all are thinking and praying for you and your sweet sweet Liam xoxoxo

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  15. my heart breaks for you :( so sorry about your loss, not many things I can say to make you feel any better about it but know my thoughts are with you <3

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  16. i am so sorry for your loss of your little baby boy. the heartbreak of losing a baby is beyond any grief i have ever experienced. and i haven't been quite the same since. wishing you and your family peace and love.

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  17. My wife and I are so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I can't possibly imagine the pain you are both feeling, but please know that good friends are not that far away. If you or Justin need anything, anything at all, please let me know.

    Our prayers are with you both and little Liam.

    Cy

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  18. Oh Natasha, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Liam. Thinking of you friend, and sending love.

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  19. Natasha~
    My heart wept for you as I read your story. We lost a pregnancy in 2009, only 7 weeks along. I don't think it matters how far along you are when it happens, the loss is still devastating. But with that said- I can't imagine having been far enough along to feel him move and then suffering that kind of loss. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

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  20. Oh Natasha...I just dropped by your blog to catch up with your pregnancy...I am literally speechless. I am so sorry that your beautiful journey has ended with you losing baby Liam. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong. x

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  21. Tash,

    my cursor sat there after the comma, just blinking as i stared at the white space. you know how torn up i am about this for you both and my thoughts and heart are nearby you as they can be. you wrote this so eloquently, Liam's much too short life was transcending love and tenderness with you as his momma.

    i'm always here to talk. xoox ♥

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  22. I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing, with tears in my eyes I can tell you that you are not alone. 1 miscarriage, a beautiful boy now almost 4, another miscarriage and 3 years of trying for a second, with all the highs and lows of fertility treatment.

    Take all the time you need to mourn your loss.

    KL xxox

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  23. I'm reading this only now. I didn't know you nor did I know your blog... but I'm devastated and flooding my keyboard with my tears when thinking of the pain that must be beyond human understanding.
    I lost a few babies in earlier stages then had a daughter, and no other child after that. My husband has infertility problems and my health is not always good.
    I'm very sad that you did get to share much more time with your son a lifetime as they say, and I think I can imagine the rollercoasters of emotions you're going through, there is no word that you help you or comfort you... however please keep in mind how much your little baby boy felt loved and how he will always leave through & with you.
    Keep hope for the future & good luck.
    warm thoughts from France

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  24. .... didn't get to share....

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  25. Oh Natasha - my heart just broke for you. Liam is a beautiful name, and he sounded like a beautiful little boy. It is so hard to make sense of such a loss. Thinking of you and sending love xx

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  26. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss of Liam. You loss was so close to mine, only 5 weeks later. It is so tragic...this world without our children. So much love to be had, so much laughter to be shared...just not nearly as wonderful as it should be. I wish Liam and Camille were both here with us. Sending you a giant hug and hoping for light and love to surround us both.

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  27. Tash, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you weren't transferred. I'm sorry about the uncertainty leading to Liam's birth and death and I'm most sorry that he's not here. We just shouldn't have to endure the loss of our children, none of us. It's just so out of order. I'm sending much love, light and peace to you and wish so much we hadn't met, albeit online, this way. xxx KT.

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  28. I just came across your blog today and read what happened to your sweet Liam and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Liam on Jan. 3rd, 2011 at 25 weeks and 6 days.
    Thinking about you and wishing our Liam's could be with us both right now.

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  29. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Liam. His footprints are beautiful.

    My heart soared and ached for you, as I read your description of watching your little boy on the ultrasound and hearing his heartbeat. I wish your story had a different ending. He fought so bravely and you were so close. I lost one of my little girls at 23 weeks too, it is an agonising tipping point. Nearly within the brush of your finger tips, being in with a chance. So desperately unfair, after all you had been through together.

    I hope he felt your love for him throughout your pregnancy and particularly during that final month. Where you were working together so closely, fighting alongside one another. A very special bond xo

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  30. I've been thinking about you and Liam as the year mark gets closer. How have you been dealing with everything?

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    1. My heart twists more and more each day. How has nearly a year gone by without our sons?

      I've been thinking of you and Truman too, as we approach August 4.

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